understand what you want

Understand What You Want, Then Ask for it Clearly

Understand what you want and need, then ask for it. Let’s normalize this work.

understand what you want
Image: looking upwards through trees that are starting to turn fall colors, towards a mostly blue, wispy cloudy sky

I know a LOT of incredible, capable people who have a really hard time asking for help.

So many of us hold back on asking for more from the people around us, especially when we really need it.

We don’t want to rock the boat. We feel like we can or should handle everything ourselves. When we’re not able to do that for whatever reason, we instantly feel like a burden.

We hold back on specificity and say we don’t want to have to ask.

Even when someone offers us assistance, we’re likely to decline. Like it’s a point of pride or worth to say “No thank you, I’ve got it!”

We barely know what to ask for… Definitely not in a way we can communicate quickly.

We feel way too uneasy handing the reins to someone else.

Truth be told, we like most things done our way, anyway. And receiving a lot of good from other people pushes us to uncomfortable edges.

But we can run ourselves into the ground living this way, indulging our superhero-level avoidance, not to mention we cut our relationships off at the knees.

When we can’t express ourselves clearly and ask for what we want, it becomes impossible for others to meet our expectations. No one is a mind reader. Even the best mind readers aren’t responsible for figuring us out all the time.

When we don’t communicate to other people how we expect to be treated and hold our ground, we get walked over. They might not even realize they’re doing it – until we lash out or the relationship otherwise goes poof.

When we resist receiving from other people, we miss out on so much relationship satisfaction that’s always there to tap into. It feels GOOD when the flow of giving & receiving is in balance, and for that to happen, everyone needs a turn.

Yes, it takes a lot of intention, self awareness, and work to understand what we really want/need in the first place.

Then we usually have to ask for what we want/reinforce our boundaries a few times before things really start to shift.

But this is work only we can do. Until we do it, we’re breeding grounds for disappointment and resentment.

So I’m suggesting that we normalize doing this work.

Normalize opening our minds to more self-awareness about what we want, connecting with our body’s signals for extra discernment, and sharing our feedback with the people around us.

When someone offers help – get present with yourself and identify a request that’d be helpful. Even if the people you’re interacting with can’t provide what you need in the moment, any clarity you find in the interaction will bring you closer to meeting your needs yourself.

Communicate what standards you intend to uphold in your relationships.

Tell people when you’re uncomfortable, tell them why, and tell them what you need to restore the balance. Give them a real chance to follow through. Even if your relationship doesn’t last, you might leave them better off for the next one.

Take the time to really understand what you want. Then ask for it.

Be willing to be bad at it at first. You’ll get in tune with yourself and become better at expressing yourself more and more over time.

Be willing to respect other people’s boundaries, too. They are perfectly within their rights to tell you no.

Guess what happens when we understand what we need? When we ask for things clearly? Guess what happens when we communicate our boundaries with people on a moment to moment basis?

We start to prioritize and satisfy ourselves with the resources we already have on hand.

We’re able to delegate more effectively and actually receive the support we need to be successful.

People can start showing up for us with more confidence, because they understand us better, and they aren’t under pressure to read our minds. They know they can trust us to set them up for success in our interactions.

The people who can’t give us what we need start to fall away, without a bunch of drama around it.

We inspire our people to start showing up for themselves this way, too.

Even if everything isn’t getting done exactly the way we want it to, more is actually getting done & sometimes even better than we pictured.

…Basically life gets better for everyone, one conversation at a time.

I’d love to support you through the process. Email me any time – info@briannamcinerny.com.

If you want some tools for doing the inner work of understanding what you want and examining the standards at play in your life, join my Conscious Wholeness course – it’s Pay-What-You-Want for lifetime access!

If you want me to hold space for your process and your vision, with my full support in building/nurturing healthy interdependent relationships in all areas of your life, from your creative collaborations to your happy home, check out the consulting retainers available at S.L.I.C.E. Inspiration & Consulting.

I would love to support you and your team. Book a time to chat with me about what this could look like for you.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope to connect again soon.


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