Understand What You Want, Then Ask for it Clearly
Understand what you want and need, then ask for it. Let’s normalize this work.
I know a LOT of incredible, capable people who have a really hard time asking for and receiving help (myself included).
So many of us hold back on asking for more, even when we really need it.
We don’t want to rock the boat. We feel like we can or should handle everything ourselves. When we’re not able to do that for whatever reason, we instantly feel like a burden.
We hold back on specificity and might even feel we shouldn’t have to ask.
Sometimes we don’t even know what to ask for… Not in a way we can communicate quickly.
Handing the reins over to someone else feels risky. We want things done our way… and receiving from other people never seems to go smoothly.
We’re afraid of relying on someone & being let down or dropped completely in the process.
So even when someone offers assistance, we’re likely to decline, as though it’s a point of pride or worth to say “I’ve got it!”
We can run ourselves into the ground living this way, indulging our superhero-level avoidance, not to mention we cut our relationships off at the knees.
Relationships are so much more satisfying with a reciprocal give and take.
Every opportunity to help each other is an opportunity to feel like we offer value in our community and feel like we belong to each other.
Without honest expression and clear asks, it becomes impossible for others to meet our expectations.
No one is a mind reader. Even the best mind readers aren’t responsible for figuring us out all the time.
When we don’t communicate how we expect to be treated and hold our ground, we get walked over more easily. They might not even realize they’re doing it – until we lash out or the relationship otherwise goes poof.
When we resist receiving from other people, we miss out on so much relationship satisfaction that’s always there to tap into.
It feels GOOD when the flow of giving & receiving is in balance, and for that to happen, everyone needs a turn.
Yes, I think there’s something to be said for proactively helping people with what they need and providing care to each other in the ways we’re able to offer it, without them having to ask.
AND, cultivating the skill of actually asking each other for what we want and need will lift us all higher and bring us closer together in the long run.
Sure, it can take a lot of intention, reflection, and work to even understand what we truly want to ask for in the first place.
Then, we might have to ask a few times, or reinforce our boundaries more than once before things really start to shift.
But it’s worth it. This is work only we can do, and until we do it, we’re breeding grounds for disappointment and resentment.
So let’s normalize asking for what we want and normalize helping each other.
When someone offers help – get present with yourself and identify a request that’d be helpful. Even if the people you’re interacting with can’t provide what you need in the moment, any clarity you find in the interaction will bring you closer to meeting your needs yourself.
Communicate what standards you intend to uphold in your relationships.
Tell people when you’re uncomfortable, tell them why, and tell them what you need to restore the balance. Give them a real chance to follow through. Even if your relationship doesn’t last, you might both leave better off for the next one.
Take the time to really understand what you want. Then ask for it.
Be willing to be bad at it at first. You’ll get in tune with yourself and become better at expressing yourself more and more over time.
Be willing to respect other people’s boundaries, too. They are perfectly within their rights to tell you no.
Then, guess what happens when we understand what we need?
What happens when we communicate our standards and boundaries openly with people on a moment to moment basis? When we ask for things clearly?
We set people up for success in our interactions. People can start showing up for us with more confidence and understand us better when they aren’t under pressure to read our minds.
We start to prioritize and satisfy ourselves with the resources we already have on hand.
We’re able to delegate more effectively and actually receive the support we need to grow and be successful.
The people who can’t give us what we need start to fall away, without a bunch of drama around it.
We can inspire our people to start showing up for themselves this way, too.
Even if everything isn’t getting done exactly the way we want it to, more is actually getting done & sometimes even better than we pictured.
…Basically life gets better for everyone one conversation at a time.
I’d love to support you through the process.
If you want some tools for doing the inner work of understanding what you want and examining the standards at play in your life, join my Conscious Wholeness course!
If you want me to hold space for your process and your vision, supporting health in all areas of your life from your creative collaborations to your happy home, check out the consulting retainers available at S.L.I.C.E. Inspiration & Consulting.
I would love to support you and your team. Book a time to chat with me about what this could look like for you.
Email me any time for additional support – in**@*************ny.com.
Thank you so much for reading. I hope to connect again soon.
